Gutter Bawl

We have an old, old house with old, old wooden trough gutters which need replacing. To this end, I've been getting, or trying to get, estimates from a number of carpenters. I'm sure you'll be interested to hear my results so far.

Carpenter 1: Can't fit us in until mid-winter and also said that if I happen to know any carpenters looking for work, I should let him know. Good for him, I guess.

Carpenter 2: Won't take the job because it's a historic home and there's too much paperwork involved. Rough life.

Carpenter 3: Gave me a reasonable quote a long time ago and then disappeared off the face of the earth.

Carpenter 4: Tried to convince me that the preservation society probably wouldn't mind if we replaced the wooden troughs with seamless aluminum.

Carpenter 5: Very nice, professional, clearly knows what he's doing, wants the job done right, has plenty of experience with historic homes. I got his quote yesterday. For roughly 120 feet of wooden gutter, with related scaffolding, teardown, flashing, etc., he wants:

Wait for it:

Twenty-eight thousand dollars.

The estimate also specifies that the job will require about 530 man-hours of work.

I am still a little speechless about this, so I will just point out that Chris and I, an economist and a graphic designer, basically built an entire room on our previous house, and while we were lazy about it and took more than a year to get around to finishing the job, I don't think there's any way it took us 530 man-hours.

Here's the main thing. I'd rather spend four thousand dollars every ten years on the gutters than twenty-eight thousand dollars for gutters that will last seventy years. Because I will be dead by then. Also, I do not have twenty-eight thousand dollars to spend on gutters.

Luckily, I have at least one reasonable estimate from a guy who seems like he can handle the job, and a couple more quotes on the way. Wish me luck.

OMGWTFDMV

HOW TO TRANSFER AN OUT-OF-STATE AUTOMOBILE REGISTRATION IN RHODE ISLAND

1. Ensure that you have the correct documents: VIN inspection report; TR-1 Application; Form T-333-1; proof of residency; and vehicle title.

2. Have a full sippy cup and two kinds of snacks ready when you pick your toddler up from day camp, as well as a backpack which unzips to reveal a road playmat; fill backpack with Matchbox cars. This will keep your toddler entertained at the DMV.

3. Set off merrily to the West Warwick DMV, thankful that you don't have to go to the Seventh Circle of Pawtucket.

4. Resist the urge to listen to that voice in your head that starts up every time you try to go somewhere new in Rhode Island. This voice likes to wait until you're pretty sure you've missed your unmarked turn and then start screaming "BAIL BAIL BAIL OH GOD TURN AROUND NOW," and you used to obey, only to find that you hadn't driven far enough yet originally and so you had to turn around again, and lo, there was your turn about 500 feet beyond the point where the voice had started yelling at you. Anyway, resist the urge to bail, and bask in the glory of persistence, finding Rt. 33 East, and not being bossed around by crazy voices in your head.

5. Pull into a vacant spot right in front of the DMV building. Get a bad feeling.

6. Hop out and find that the West Warwick branch of the DMV appears to have been closed for some time, and maybe that's why it wasn't on the DMV web site even though you found it listed on other web sites. Wonder why you had thought there might be some secret ninja DMV branch that no one knows about. These things don't happen.

7. Refuse to dial Information on your cell phone because it costs a dollar, and try Google's phone thingy even though you know it only has commercial listings. Get the result you figured you would get.

8. Decide for some reason that you'd rather go to Pawtucket than spend a dollar dialing Information to find out where the Wakefield DMV branch is.

9. Attempt to be fancy about finding your way to the interstate, while in the process needing to turn around because you ONCE AGAIN mixed up east and west. For the love of all that is good and holy, you have three-quarters of an Ivy League education, so WHY can't you JUST ONCE get that right the first time?

10. Find interstate. Drive north. Stop at Whole Foods to pick up some coffee and a couple cookies -- one for you, and one for the so-far angelic toddler.

11. Make the requisite number of wrong turns in downtown Pawtucket before finally getting to the DMV.

12. See the number of cars in the parking lot. Ask yourself that timeless question that humans have been asking themselves since they became self-aware: Why am I here? Except, in this case, by "here" you mean "Pawtucket".

13. Sigh a mighty sigh and gather up all your children and supplies and head in to the DMV.

14. Where's the thing where you take the number?

15. Well, here's a long line for registrations. This must be where I'm supposed to go.

16. But what if this isn't right? What if I get to the front of the line and they tell me I should have taken a number somewhere and then I have to start waiting all over again some where else?

17. BAIL BAIL BAIL BAIL

18. See that there is really nobody to ask re: the take-a-number thing or the long line. Get back in line.

19. Give the kid a cookie.

20. When he finishes the cookie, open up his backpack and give him some cars, but not as many cars as he thinks you should give him, and then get down on the floor and play cars with him for a little while so he won't start screaming.

21. Bask in the admiration of some women who appreciate that you're down on the floor playing cars with a three-year-old. It's nice to have your good work appreciated.

22. Continue this for, oh, 45 minutes.

23. Finally get to the front of the line and present your complete and thorough folder of documents to the nice lady, who makes some chit-chat about how cool it is that your car is from Alaska and what you think about Sarah Palin.

24. At this juncture, the woman will see that you have everything you need.

25. Except you didn't get the signature of the second owner of the car notarized.

26. Come on, you knew something like this was going to happen.

27. And WHY THE @#&$^%^@# do you even have a second owner on the damn car? Isn't it enough that YOU own it? Why does your husband have to own it too??????? MOTHER$#*&%^&!@#&^&@#&$&&^&$#%^()*@#^&$&%^#

28. Think entirely in swears for about seven minutes.

29. Load everyone back in the car and go home.

30. Blow up your car. That way, you don't have to get it registered.

31. Be thankful for your two wonderful children who didn't throw any major fits. They are the best.

Bum Rap

On a recent walk, Soren informed Chris and me that he needed "a big big big big big big stick to measure your bums." THANKS.